This is something that many of us are all too familiar with. Some of us grow up with divorced parents, regardless of the reason. In many cases, we don’t even know one half of our family.

In my case, I never knew my biological father or that side of my family. Don’t get me wrong, I did grow up with a mother and a father. I had a family but not my complete biological-nuclear family. I have come to terms with that and at this point in my life, I am truly ok with that. My parents divorced when I was only two years old. As a very young child I visited with my dad on and off until one day all of that changed. What you ask? I have no clue.

My mom took full custody of me and moved on, remarrying a few years later and having one other child. My biological father remarried shortly after and after some time, moved across the country, not having any more children.

Throughout my younger years, I remember meeting my paternal grandmother once. I met one of my paternal cousins once. I saw my pops a handful of times. I was the collateral damage, only some of you will understand what that means. My mom, may she rest in peace, did her best, as best she could. She fought her own battles and tried to shield my brother and myself from them. When it came to my biological father and that family, I was given very little information. Most of it highlighted my pops lack of desire to be in my life. It also emphasized his lack of willing participation. I was a child, so I harbored the feelings and insecurities that were formed from this and didn’t question it.

Once my mom passed away, my “dad that stepped up” (Stepdad by marriage, Dad by actions) found an envelope. My bio dad gave this envelope to my mom prior to their divorce. This was before her relationship with my “dad that stepped up”. This envelope included a very heartfelt letter, pictures, mementos and more. I was well over 18 when my mom passed away. One would think this envelope would have been shared with me long before. I share this story to show the strain I was under. I had to be deliberately distanced from my bio dad. I was also separated from that part of me and my family. Hell, if it wasn’t for my “dad that stepped up”, I never would have known about the envelope. My “dad that stepped up” raised me from the age of two. He knew the significance of that envelope as a father. He made sure it found its way to me. All the constant thoughts of being unloved and not wanted disappeared. Even more vanished when my “dad that stepped up” showed me there are many sides to a story. He gave me the envelope from my bio dad by making sure it was left for me 30 years before.

Over the years my mom distanced our family (herself, my dad that stepped up, my sibling and myself from our families. As time went on, we saw less and less of them until one day we stopped seeing them all together. There were very valid reasons for her withdrawing from certain family members. As a mom, I wholeheartedly understand some of it. However, I do not comprehend all of it. I spent almost all of my adult years having no communication with anyone in her family. I had even less contact with my “dad that stepped up’s” family. I had the least contact with my bio dad’s family.

After becoming a mom of five children, my views on how I was raised shifted in certain aspects and those aspects allowed me to be the parent I am today. I made the decision to reach out to my bio dad, and we started the simplest of phone communication here and there. Over time it has resulted in him buying a house in Arizona and spending about eight months out of the year here with us.

I still remember the fear I felt in 2016 when I called and asked him if he would want to meet me and my family if we traveled to his house in Tennessee while on our first family vacation, across country to visit family. I spent so many years hearing things about him, that up until he said yes and sounded genuinely excited talking to me about it, I thought he wouldn’t be interested. It was shortly before this trip that I became “disabled” which added another level of anxiety and fears to me. Not knowing what I know now, I wanted nothing more than to build a genuine relationship with him and my Stepmom, so when the time came, my kids would have a stronger family, a true village. I knew with getting sick that they would need to have true connections with our family. The trip is still vividly etched in my brain; I don’t think I will ever forget it. Some of my looks, some of my mannerisms, my sarcastic, blunt but loving mouth, and so much more came from him. The day we left Tennessee to continue on our trip he and I took a picture together that I still hold close. It was the first photo I had since toddler age of myself and my bio dad. We left their house and headed to our next stop a few states over. What do you know, on our way back to Arizona, he and my Stepmom drove hours out of the way in their state to meet us for dinner once more as we passed through. As they say in many cases, the rest was history!

Grown or not, in this case I am still the child. That being said, me reaching out and initiating a relationship gave him what he needed all along too. He wanted nothing more than to have a relationship with me and the family I created but didn’t want to force one, possibly causing me to pull away further. Here we are nine years later! He bought a house in Arizona that he stays in eight months out of the year. Those months are mainly school months. He stays here to help me get my kids back and forth to school, to cook dinner once in a while, to join us for Sunday Morning Family breakfast, and most importantly, to get me back and forth to Mayo for my nonstop appointments. For those four months each year he is not in Arizona, we are talking a few times a week and we text constantly. The term, “making up for lost time”, is one I can heavily relate to.

Moral to this all- My reaching out to show my longing for the relationship I never had, opened the door for him to be the father he always wanted to be. It was a long time coming but it has a happy ending, nonetheless. It is never too late, unless you decide it’s not worth the outcome. Honestly, good or bad- the not knowing is the worst feeling, once you know how it ends, the rest is a breeze. Afterall, you have to truly weather the storm to see the beauty that shines after it. You know they say things like “those who wait” or “it happens when it’s meant to be…” Us reuniting and staying in contact came when I needed it most, unbeknownst to all of us.

Let’s fast forward to two years ago. I finally got to meet one of my cousins from my bio dad’s family! She made a special trip to Arizona to meet me, my husband and our children. When I tell you there was an instant, connection- it was like we had known each other our whole lives. There was no awkward silence, or feelings of being less than. We all connected and even after she went back to New York (where most of my family in the US is from), we stayed in contact. Social media is really a thing! It has allowed us to stay in touch in more ways than just a phone call or text here and there. We are friends on various social media sites which allow us to see the day to day that we want to share. My bio dad told me that once Mayo clears me to travel, he will introduce me to many places and faces I have never seen before. I can’t wait! Last year, my bio dad’s older brother and his wife drove here to meet myself, husband, and our children. This is the first time I had met them, outside of my toddler years. Again, no judgement or uncomfortable feelings. We now keep in touch through snail mail and phone calls here and there. It was so natural and in this I saw what I had yearned for more than half my life. Family!

Here we are to the present. Yesterday my cousin and her two sons arrived in Arizona to see us. My first time meeting my cousins and the instant love and respect was there. We laughed and joked through Sunday morning Family breakfast. A few hours later, we all met back up for a family dinner at a local Pizza place (Just putting it out there- Vero’s Chicago Pizza in Queen Creek is amazing!) We ended the day with lots more hugs and love. This week we have plans almost daily of things to do before they go back home to New York. I love that they wanted to meet me, meet us just as much as I wanted to meet them. I wish this happened many moons ago, but it is happening now and for that I am grateful.

Can you relate to any of these situations? Can you relate to the insecurity and the doubt that this can cause? If so, grab hold of the situation and let go of the fear. You know, the worst that could happen is someone can tell you no, and while it may hurt- in that moment a part of you will heal as well. It isn’t you- you stepped up and tried. Some people are never strong enough to do that. Be proud of yourself and love yourself through all the pain and doubt.